When lying down in a dark cold room tossing and turning within my cold silky bed as I rap the cold thick silk blanket around me in hopes that I can go to sleep before work in morning. Looking at the clock its three hours left before the rearing alarm rings. So determined to sleep I ask myself, Why is my mind so restless? What does it want from me?! My body becomes fully relaxed as if the body is resting on a beach side. My heart suddenly starts to pound like walking in the woods and hearing something out of the ordinary. The heart just starts beating faster and faster till I feel like I can’t catch my breath. My breathing becomes heavier and I start getting this headache that won’t leave the temples. I start to rub my hair like a mother would do for their child after a long bedtime story, hoping this would calm my nerves.
Tears start rolling down my face because my breathing won’t settle, trying to take deep breathes before I start hyperventilating. As the tears rolls down my face I start talking to myself repeatedly saying I’m Sorry like if it would change a damn thing. My mind starts to wonder, why am I sorry? This isn’t my fault, it’s something that’s just happening but maybe it is my fault maybe it’s something that I could have prevented. My breathing becomes heavier as I start to hyperventilate, my body starts to slowly feel numb. It starts with my face and slowly travels to my arms then down to the legs where I start to feel paralyzed. After the numb feeling, I get this tingling feeling around my body as if I was leaning all the pressure on one side of my body for too long.
I try to speak and noise barely comes out, yelling help! Wishing I could make a sound but I could only hear it in my head. My frustration gets the best of me so I roll off the bed and bam! My body hits the ground as I drag my body to bathroom. I realize my eyes are now burning as if I were staring directly at the sunlight. The headache is lingering as it moves towards the back of my head so I sit up. I stare at the tub for a few minutes as my mind starts to wonder, “what if I turn the cold water on, would it shock my body enough for it to snap out of it?” my breathe still unsettled with my numb body I push myself into the tub and turn the water on. My body instantly froze, all my thoughts just washed away because all I could think about is getting out of this cold water. I couldn’t move my body because it’s still numb so I had to sit there cold as if I were taking an ice bath, crying my eyes out because I’m blaming myself for letting it go this far.
Feeling like I deserve this punishment, I stayed in the tub until my body couldn’t handle it any longer. Crying, I patiently took a shower becoming one with the freezing water, washing my body and hair slowly because the numbness is still lingering within my body as I’m shaking. My breathing starts to settle assuming that my mind is focused on how cold it is, I finally get out. My eyes only focuses on the bed, feeling tired and hopeless I lay down without the thought of putting on clothes or even drying off. My body lays on the bed wet, cold and exhausted as my eyes get heavy, I close my eyes and the roar of the alarm goes off.